Sunday, January 05, 2003

1st Annual International Peter Bronson Hack Conservative Columnist Awards
At this time of year I guess there can be nothing better than the International Peter Bronson Hack Conservative Columnist award. We have a unanimous winner this year and low and behold it is Peter Bronson himself, winning all categories with today’s column. Please be sure to read his column before judging how he faired in the awards. Here is a look at all of the categories:

Gall: Peter has illustrated his gall in attacking Tom Daschle for referring to the threats he has been receiving. Peter’s seem to take pleasure in forgetting the deadly anthrax letter addressed and delivered to his office.

Hysteria: Peter’s hysteria and fear that a non-paleoconservative actually has a program on TV and that television station is partially funded, under funded at that, by public funds can only be eclipsed by his glee that his ├╝berleaders now have control over all three branches of government.

Prozac: Peter went on Prozac as soon as he learned that Al Gore was not running for President. Peter thought Gore would have been the only sure fire way his boy Bush could get reelected.

Pacifism: Peter’s hatred of pacifism took shape during his vast years of military service. Oh wait, that would be the lack of his vast years of military service.

Lame Excuses: What is Peter’s excuse for bashing Ohio State, the rival of his school’s rival Michigan? Isn’t the rival of your rival your friend?

Slick Hooey: The slick way that Peter denies how GOP in the South, and sometimes in the North and West, uses race as a subtext to play politics. It is odd they don’t think people noticed George Bush at Bob Jones University, or the way John McCain was destroyed in the 2000 South Carolina primary.

Name-Calling: The names and lies that Peter’s brother in arms Phil Burress and the CCV use to defame homosexuals, atheists, and pornographers. The CCV is the American Taliban. They are theocratic fascists just like Osama bin Laden.

Hypocrisy: Well, Peter is a hypocrite on many things, but when it comes to Amanda Mayes he is correct.

Denial: I think Peter is in denial if he claims the Bengals have or had any real coaches.

Paranoia: Peter is not paranoid, except when it comes to the all of the black activists out to get him. Well, they are out to get him.

Dishonorable Mentions: Peter’s many other hack columns:
Miami U. - Free Bill O'Reilly
Conservatives rare species on campus
Antiwar dictionary - Hooray for unilateralism by a cowboy president
Religious freedom - It's not easy being Christians
Pornography victimless? - Listen to these horror stories
'The right to life...'

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