Some of You People Are Way Too Serious....

For those of you who are satirically challenged, yesterday's post was brought to you courtesy of April Fool's Day.

Commission Candidates Reveal Priorities

Because this is still primary season, the candidates to fill David Pepper's seat on the Hamilton County Board of County Commissioners are busy building support amongst their respective parties' bases. But I contacted them all and asked a simple question: If you are elected, what is the first resolution or motion you will pass? Each has responded.

Chris Monzel, the Republican Cincinnati Councilman who kicked off his campaign by announcing that he is a "son of the suburbs," has a plan for Hamilton County: The Wall. Monzel explained that upon election, he will immediately begin construction of a Berlin Wall-style barrier separating the City of Cincinnati from the suburbs. He said construction of The Wall would generate dozens, if not hundreds, of jobs. "We might even get stimulus funds for it; it's a 'shovel-ready' project, after all." Monzel also said that he would provide funds for Sheriff Leis to hire back several of his laid-off deputies to stand guard on The Wall round-the-clock. Monzel argued that the problem with Hamilton County's economy is the presence of Cincinnati. "We can't get rid of Cincinnati, but at least we can keep its residents out of our communities," he said. Monzel's plan also includes the relocation of all county buildings to Blue Ash. "The worst part about being on Council," Monzel said, "is having to be in Cincinnati all the time. Once I get elected to the Commission, I shouldn't have to endure the city any longer." When asked in a follow-up email about suburbs that are surrounded by the city, like Norwood and St. Bernard, Monzel replied that their residents should have relocated years ago. "I actually considered a series of tunnels that would connect those cities with other suburbs. That way, people from Norwood could get to Delhi or Cheviot without ever setting foot in Cincinnati. But that sounded too much like mass transit to my friends at COAST, who threatened to withdraw their support if I wouldn't take it out of my plan. What choice did I have?"

Jim Tarbell, who seeks the Democratic nomination, will enact the "More Me Initiative," or MMI. Tarbell explained, "We need to get our local economy moving. I'm the region's greatest cheerleader. What could be better for Hamilton County than more giant murals of me?" MMI would include adding paintings of Tarbell on all county-owned buildings, as well as offering free exterior paint to any property owner who would devote one full wall of his or her building to a Tarbell mural. Tarbell remarked, "Everyone got really excited when that Fairy Shepherd guy came to town. But the mural he painted doesn't really even look like me. What happened?" Tarbell speculated that both of the current commissioners would likely be receptive to MMI, as "I'm more photogenic than either of them."

Leslie Ghiz, the West Virginia native who majored in English at WVU, announced a sweeping social agenda. According to Ghiz, a Republican, she will immediately instruct Clerk of Courts Patricia Clancy to begin issuing marriage licenses to first cousins. "Because of long-standing but reprehensible bigotry," Ghiz tweeted, "first cousins in Ohio have been denied the right to wed for too long. That must change." When Ghiz was asked why her quest for marriage rights did not extend to brothers and sisters, Ghiz answered, "I'm from West Virginia, not Kentucky. We have to draw a line somewhere." Ghiz added that she had an additional, unrelated cost-saving measure to sell all county buildings and move all county offices and courts into trailer parks. "There's nothing like a good double-wide," Ghiz said. While the courthouse may look nice, according to Ghiz, it's expensive to maintain. "All that electricity and running water is a burden to the taxpayers. Our judges and other elected officials will have to learn to do more with less."

Cecil Thomas, the former Cincinnati police officer seeking the Democratic nomination, has a plan to re-expand the ranks of the Hamilton County Sheriff's Office: send all county employees to OPOTA (Ohio's police academy). Thomas's plan is that instead of taking ten "furlough" days, every county employee would instead spend ten days as a patrol or correctional officer. "I was a police officer for years," Thomas said. "If I can do it, anyone can." He added, "Plus, we're not talking about them taking over for CPD in Over-the-Rhine. How hard can it be to write the occasional speeding ticket in Green or Anderson Township?" Thomas suggested that he would personally oversee parts of training for the county, including Taser training, which requires participants to experience a Taser shock before being certified to carry a Taser.. He understands that some people might be slower than others. "For instance, I might need to tase Greg Hartmann [the only Republican on the Commission] four or five times before I feel he's fully qualified. We'll just have to see."

When Hubert E. Brown was contacted for this post, he revealed that he was among the 98% of Hamilton County voters who didn't realize that he is running in the Democratic primary. "I'm running for office?" he mused. "How'd that happen?" Brown thought for a moment, and then remarked, "If I'm elected--and really, let's not fool ourselves, it's not going to happen--I'll come up with something. I don't know what, but it'll be something that will make the voters remember who Hubert Brown is."

The Solution to Ending the Violence Starts From Within

In the Enquirer article about the reaction of City Officials to the recent up-tick in violence the key to ending wide spread violences starts from within the communities suffering from them. Two paragraphs sum this up. First from Robin Moore, who lost her son in September of 2007:

Moore spoke about the code of silence that keeps people quiet while killers roam the streets freely. She spoke of the agony of losing a son. She spoke of the company she has with other mothers dealing with homicides, both the solved and the unsolved.

That's followed up from City Manager Milton Dohoney:

“The bottom line is this: Our community police will react when the call is made,” said Cincinnati City Manager Milton Dohoney, adding that it takes more than that just police reacting to street violence. “This problem will only get better when the community decides to make it so.”

Religious leaders can preach peace, which is at best a long term attitude changer. The police can and will do their jobs and investigate the crimes. The solution is within the community: 1)turn in the criminals. 2) Listen to the pastors and teach the youth that violence is not a normal way of social interaction.

No one has said that the recent increase in murders and shootings are connected to the drug trade. It usually is. This type of spike seems like a gang war over turf or juvenile slights. Breaking the criminal gangs should be and I think is a focus of law enforcement. Another solution to help end type of violence would be to legalize drugs. That's a long way off and likely just as big of a hurdle to get over as finding a solution within the affected community, but both need to be sought.

CityBeat's Best of Cincinnati is Out

I really wonder who reads CityBeat sometimes, but I am totally amazed at who votes for the Reader's Picks in the Best of Cincinnati Issue now on-line. Who is voting for the Rusty Griswolds as the best local band? Seriously, who are they? I would like to invite them to Fountain Square this Summer on a Friday night to hear good local bands.

I will ask CityBeat to please create a best Cover Band category for next year's issue so we can try and avoid a repeat of this year's travesty.

I do have to wonder, how many email address does 700WLW's Scott Sloan have? Does he buy them in bulk or did he just hire a hacker?

Another question: can we have another new category? Something like Bar owned and run by the largest collection of Douche Bags would work. Cadillac Ranch would win hands down.

I'm surprised Cadillac Ranch got high rankings in so many categories, with it's lack of respect for events CityBeat sponsors, but then I remember the large collection of Douche Bags running that place, and the vote totals make sense. Douche bags lack good judgment and musical taste, but still know how to surf the web.

Read it in print tomorrow for all the rest.

Michael Flannery Resigns From CPS Board

The Enquirer is reporting that Cincinnati Public School Board member Michael Flannery is resigning from the school board effective April 13th. At Monday night's meeting Flannery stated he is resigning from the board do to health reasons. Flannery indicate he was undergoing tests, including an MRI of his brain. We all hope for a speedy recovery to Mr. Flannery.

The article also describes the process to fill the vacant seat, where the remaining six members vote to appoint a member to fill the rest of Flannery's term. If no candidate can get a majority, then a county judge will select a replacement.

COAST Endorses Chris Monzel

Local extremist group COAST has announced its endorsement of Chris Monzel for Hamilton County Commissioner in the GOP Primary.

Monzel's GOP primary opponent Leslie Ghiz should not be surprised and if she has any sense would be pleased to not get the support of the anti-city extremists.

Since Monzel is a "son of the suburbs," he has no problem doing everything he can to stop development in the city. Only effective City Council Members do that.

Cecil Thomas Thumbs His Nose at Democrats

There are many basic rules you need to follow when running in a contested Democratic primary. One of those rules is don't make appearances at extreme right-wing groups' candidate forums.

Why is this bad? Well, lets start with the obvious: look at the groups sponsoring this event!

Right to Life of Greater Cincinnati, COAST, the Cincinnati Tea Party, Family First, Citizens for Community Values Action, Warren County Right to Life, Ohio Liberty Council and Americans for Prosperity.

These aren't even remotely moderate groups, this is the FAR RIGHT-WING of Cincinnati and the Country's politics. The only groups to the right are going to be the Militias and the white supremacist groups (yes often one in the same).

99% of the people who attended the COAST Candidates Form were not Democrats. Therefore they will not be voting in the Democratic Primary in May. In November these same people are not going to vote for a Democratic candidate, at all. It is just a waste of resources and time to attend this event. Instead, go after your base! Is Thomas presuming he will get the black vote? That may be a reasonable presumption, but will he get the turnout from the black community he will need? Why not spend some time, maybe a Wednesday evening, working on getting voter turnout in traditionally black neighborhoods.

Instead Thomas is courting the Conservative vote. He's quoted as making a bad joke about him being Christian will be enough for the attendees to vote for him. I don't suppose a Democrat might not like seeing him making jokes at an event that includes speakers attacking Rep. Steve Driehaus, at the same time he's getting threats.  It is insulting.  It shows his lack of dedication to the primary.  It is a clear sign that he does not understand the basics of running a political campaign.  Thomas thinks he's running for City Council, but needs to find out that his not going to get the Westside Conservative votes in the Democratic Primary.